Messages I'll Never Have #1

We have a whole family answering machine*. That means Tiny gets her friends calling... or did, before the dominance of the text (but she still gets calls from her coaches and stuff), I get my cool friends calling to tell me about parties, and the Man of the Place gets business calls there. Now my friends are clever and fun and crazy messages are totally appropos. However, sports-minded individuals (coaches) and business-minded folk often aren't prepared for my ready wit. Or my recorded wit. So we have the boring-est message ever:

"Thanks for calling! Please leave us a message."

I mean, really. The outgoing message is a perfect opportunity for creativity. I have a friend whose message is that instrumental Boom-chicka-bow-wow, and that's it. I love it.

So, from time to time, I will reveal an outgoing message I'd love to have... but never will. Here's the first one:

You know what? We're not going to answer the phone. We're not. We're just not.
We may be screening, hovering over the machine, waiting to hear your voice. But
that's the thing. You don't know. (Pause) Bwa-hahahahaha! beep

Feel free to use it.

*Yes, we've heard of voice mail. We prefer to devote a portion of the kitchen counter to a machine that presides over our calls, blinking its little red eye at us.